You're welcome! It was a good idea.
I did read a lot of the positive stuff and it definitely didn't make things worse. The thing about reading that stuff is the fact that you can read this stuff all day long 24/7 but still nothing will change unless you put action into it. I've been practicing ever since that day putting into action the positive things I read but it takes a whole lot of effort and can be a real struggle when your mind is so used to going in that other direction. Sometimes my mind doesn't want to cooperate with these things and keeps going in that destructive manner. I know I create all this distress on myself and I also know what I need to do about it but I don"t always adhere to it. Just life.
I do know logically that I have nothing to be that distressed over. The fact that I do have a loving husband, wonderful home, fabulous car and attractiveness makes me appear as though I'm off my rocker for expressing all this distress in me. But that is just how things appear on the outside. It does not matter one bit whether you're rich or poor, pretty or ugly, skinny or fat, fancy car or clunker, mansion or shack. Sometimes you look at people who seem as though they've got it all with all these marvelous luxuries and nice looks but what you do not see is what is inside this person. They might be the most miserable feeling person and you wouldn't even have guessed it. Its not all on the external that matters, its what you got going on on the inside that makes the difference in your life.
If you could get inside my mind you would see something different than what you see on the outside.
I do feel very thankful and blessed for the life I have right now, never had it before, so I always just look back at my horrid past and thank my lucky stars that its gone. What I have now is major battle scars that are still healing and its a long process. I've gone through a lot in life and know the despair feelings. I guess if I had come from a loving family, money, good relationships, then I might not be able to understand on that deeper level.
It goes a lot deeper than just the forum incident, thats just an outside thing. Its distorted beliefs lingering from my past that keep me in pain. Right now, because of this obsessive/compulsive disorder, I constantly feel like my mind has me in prison. I never relax even at home. My mind has me convinced that there are terrible things going on behind me, betrayal and such, and because my husband is the closest one to me the poor man is the one who is in the center of it. So, there are definitely days that I just feel like calling it quits and checking out of this life here on earth because of that daily pain but the other small part of me keeps struggling to rise above and the only way I know to rise above it is to do whatever positive things I can to prevent this from happening, it surely wouldn't be anything negative thats going to prevent me from calling it quits or dwelling on the bad parts. If I were to just give in and do nothing but dwell on whats not right with me then I would have already been outta this place long ago.
Depression is a life long problem of mine. I can remember way back in childhood where I went around looking sad most of the time always feeling like some kind of cloud hanging over me. Its still that way today no matter what good things may pop into my life.
Yes, I feel my life is a big big struggle. Constant friction in my mind every day and I always keep wondering if I'm going to be able to finally get over that hump.
And I don't know how to stop my thoughts from the worry of whats going to happen. I don't sit and think, like I should do, that I have a roof over my head and financial freedom or where my next meal is coming from, instead I constantly obsess and worry that it could end, that something bad is going to happen and I'm going to be out there on my own trying to survive like once before. My mind is still operating in that unstable way because of all the many times in my past that I really was in that situation and it was constant worry and scraping pennies together. I even go to the point to where I've convinced myself something bad is happening already and I begin thinking out a plan as to where I'm going to go and what kind of job I need to get and how things will change. This is total absurdity and madness! But I do it all the time. I don't want to be this way and I'm giving it all I can just to stop it.
