Sorry I have neglected posting as regularly as I normally do.
I had some things going on emotionally and I only got on the computer once and thats when I answered Ana that I'm still here and will post later.
First of all I faced a fear on Saturday but then the next day regressed backwards again in my problems. I was so torn up inside on Sunday that I never returned to the computer the rest of the day or night.
I am much better this afternoon, finally! I talked to my mom this morning and after talking it out to her I was starting to feel better quickly. And then I had to clean the whole house which always takes me at least 3 hours, and even then I don't feel like I did a complete job but it is a very big job for 1 person to do and the reason I have a housekeeper is because everytime I vacuum it tears up my osteoarthritis in my hips, so I usually have her just do the floors and bathrooms and I do the dusting and kitchen. Well, she didn't show up or call this morning which seems to happen more times than not and so I had to do the whole house and now my lower back and hip is hurting, IBUPROFEN!!!
I have a major MAJOR trust problem and like I told my mom this morning, I don't know if I will ever be able to fully trust like I once did before the experience happened with my dad. It seems I work on this daily and want more than anything in this world to be able to have that peaceful feeling of trust, I cry so hard about it at times because it feels like no matter what I do it just remains there above me. My husband is the absolute best, most supportive, most caring, genuine, patient, loving person I've ever known and yet even though I do really know this logically, emotionally I'm still stuck way back there and I feel bad for being this way, I feel bad for him because he is so very patient with me on this issue, more patient than anyone else would probably be. It has seemed to totally consume my every thought. Every move, every gesture,etc. I suspicion because underneath that is complete fear of being abandoned and betrayed just as I was when I was 8. I really do know that this is stemming completely from my past and I really don't know what else to do other than what I've been doing which is trying to change myself. I don't know why its so very hard for me.
Anyway, I just said all that because this is my biggest issue in my life. I don't want it to ruin my relationship with my husband and I know that if it keeps going too long that it very well could do that, even with as much love and care that he gives me there is only so much someone can take. I've told him this several times and expressed how much I hate that I have this problem and I hate that he is having to endure it and that I KNEW before we met that I still had a bad trust problem and that whoever I ended up with that it would probably make things pretty tense. He tells me that he understands this about me and that he has faith in me that I will overcome this and that he has no intention on just giving up because he says he knows my heart and thats why he loves me so much and thats what helps him be so patient with me on this. He says that its just one of those unfortunate disadvantages I had growing up to where I never had the chance to learn what trust is like but that now I know differently and can change it and he says he hopes that he can do everything he can to help me achieve that.
