Saturday my husband told me that a nurse that he works with was having her 50th b'day party over at the park just down the road from us. He has accepted that I have this insecurity and social anxiety problem and so he always asks me just to be polite but knows that I usually always so "no". So, he told me about it and said I don't know if you wanna go or not but I kinda feel like I need to show up there for a little bit. I told him yes I would at first then as the day went on I kept dreaming up my usual little fearful scenario's in my mind and that habitual side of me was talking me out of it and convincing me to just stay at home and stay in my comfort zone because its easier.
Well, the party was not supposed to be until 6:00p.m. and so I had told my husband earlier that I would have to let him know if I was going for sure or not later on. We ate dinner here at home and then it was already rolling around to after 7:00 already. He goes and gets dressed and asks me one more time "so do you think you might wanna go or just stay here?" I sat for a second and said "it depends, if its going to be staying a long time then no I don't wanna do that" he said "no I'm not planning on staying a long time anyway", so in 1 second time I just said "yeah, I'll go" and went to get dressed. He looked pretty surprised that I actually said yes. The whole time that other part of me kept trying to convince me to not go and that I could just stay here because I knew he wouldn't get mad at me or anything. But then the other faint small stronger voice in me kept reminding me that things will never change unless I start taking a step forward and facing my fear. So I went but my emotions did not want to go.
I felt pretty scared and tense but each time I noticed myself feeling like that I would change my focus onto what I was actually accomplishing and that I was getting out of the house and doing something, anything, and that helped to keep me more calm and confident.
I have a really good tan and I wore my white shorts and grey tank top (not to be trying to be conceited or anything, just giving you the background on the scenario). So we're leaving and my husband just keeps staring at me and said "boy you're gonna make'em all jealous over there". That was really flattering to me that he said that and kept looking at me in admiration. So, we get there and he said there were really only a few people there that he usually gets along with really well. There was 2 or 3 of the surgeons he works with there that he usually doesn't get along with too well but is still friendly because he has to work with them all the time. Okay, so there are pretty good amount of people just standing around, it was in one of the shelters there where they usually have bands play and people dance. The park is a really pretty park too with lots of nice big tree's and water around.
So, it seemed they were all staring at us when we walked up and my husband introduced me to one of the guys that he usually kids around with a lot at work and I was trying to be friendly as my husband said "have you met Kimmie my wife" and I said hi to him and smiled and he just didn't say anything and turned away! Then all the rest of them were doing the same thing for some odd reason, even my husband noticed this and said he didn't know why they were acting like that. So we ended going over and getting a drink and standing there talking to one of the nurse's he works with husband. He was really a nice friendly guy and very talkative so that felt better. Then another girl that works in my husband's anesthesia group came over and she has always been so super friendly and nice to me so I stood there and talked to her for a good amount of time which really eased my tension.
We didn't stay very long but he felt he needed to at least make a showing because the one having the party is one he has worked with a long time and knows pretty well.
Walking away from there, I felt really good that I faced my fear and went against my usual resistance.
My husband was kinda ticked off about the way they acted towards me though, he said they should try and make someone new feel more welcome and comfortable than that and they did just the complete opposite. I didn't feel like I was very welcome at all and that is what made me want to not stay very long.
And also, my husband seemed so thrilled that I said I would go because he knows that by doing that that I am standing up to my fear and thats what he wants to see me do more than anything.
