This week I've been doing a good job of letting go of some of the worry about what other people think of me.
I've always looked at other people as though they are somehow superior to me, smarter than me, know better than me, everything.
I have been learning here lately that they are no different than me.
I keep thinking on what my husband sometimes tells me. He says what do you think makes them so much of an expert over you? He says he used to be all worried about that kind of stuff and then he finally learned that they really aren't all that smarter than him. He said he used to think they just knew it all and was so much above him, but started using more logic about it all.
I am starting to do the same thing, after years (whole life) of thinking everyone else is so much smarter, better than me. I have started observing people more and realizing that what my husband was saying is so true. Then that begins to boost my confidence level.
Today, I took the focus off of my looks and focused instead on how I felt on the inside, I tuned into it and tuned out the thoughts of the outer. I felt a strong pull between the habitual self and the true self, but it was enlightening and exciting to be practicing this. My desire is to let go of the obsessiveness about my looks and to direct my focus inwards. Usually if I get looks that day I am feeling good, if I don't then I'm feeling very bad and begin to degrade myself. I've done this for a very very long time now. This is a really personal thing I am stating right now but at the same time I feel better just getting it out on here and knowing that its just us 3 right now.
This problem is something that always makes me feel really bad about myself and almost like I'm the only woman that thinks like this. I have become so very in tune with paying attention to whether men look at me or not that its like I don't ever truly enjoy what I'm doing when we're out because I'm too focused in on that, and like I say I become very harsh on myself and feeling down if I feel they don't look, I begin taking it out on myself saying that I'm too fat/ugly/plain whatever. Then I begin to wonder if anyone else ever does this. I don't want to be consumed with that anymore. I want to just not care about that and just enjoy doing whatever I'm doing and enjoying my husband.
And the other biggest problem that I cannot seem to shake yet to this day is if my husband looks at other women, and they don't even have to look that good and I still feel the insecurity to where I feel like I'm in a prison within myself because I am afraid to look his way because I don't want to see him turn his head, feel as though I would rather just not see it so it won't ruin my mood.
Well, I just told maybe a little more than what I should have. But I will admit. The only difference in me and those other women out there that give these dirty looks is that I don't have ill feelings toward the other women and give those looks and get angry at them, I just immediately compare and always come up short and down myself.
