I've been putting off emailing Anita ever since she left me a voice mail a couple weeks ago. Been a little scared to say what Ive never said before for fear of her reaction.
I finally sat down and emailed her a very long email yesterday letting her know in detail what it was that I had kept inside for so very long because of fear. It felt good to release those feelings, kinda like it did when I wrote a letter to my dad when he was dying about how he had hurt me so badly but that I also still loved him and forgive him.
It's very therapeutic to do this when you have problems with confrontational things like I do. I just worry so much about what the other person is going to think and feel. Tears me up!
I don't know if I will get a response back from that email or not, but I really don't know if I want to. I don't handle criticism too well or people saying harsh things to me, always been that way since childhood, my mom could just LOOK at me ill and it would hurt me more than if she were to just hit me!
Well, at least I gathered my nerve to email her. My heart was pounding real fast as I was writing certain parts where I was telling her how I felt.
I'll let you in on what exactly I'm talking about, I'll try and make it as short as possible in case you're not in to reading that much.
When I was married to my ex she had looked my number up once again and began calling me, I never bothered keeping in contact with her because of this problem, so I would never just blow her off and I would just go back to like nothing was wrong. I took several trips back to TN just to see her, long trip-12 hours, driving by myself the whole way without stopping. At that time I didn't have a whole lot of money, I began my trip, got held up on highway with severe construction traffic, my car started smoking and had to call AAA, it was burning hot and I couldn't use air cond. so I became very sweaty and nasty feeling, but I kept driving after the car was fixed, I knew I had told her that I would be there that evening, all these things put me way back, it was midnight and I was so very tired and icky feeling and I was getting sleepy and thought maybe I'd better stop over somewhere, I call her to tell her of all this and all she says is "oh can't you just keep driving, I was expecting you to be here tonight", so I kept driving (dummy) because I didn't want any upsets so I got me some more coffee.
While I'm there, we go to groc. store, and I was thinking like I'm her guest and I drove all this way to see her and so I thought when she said "go ahead and just get the things you like to eat" that she meant she was treating, so I try to go real easy and get just a few little things, we get to the register and she starts separting our stuff, so I didn't say anything but thought "okay, I guess I'm on my own here", and I only had a limited amount of money, had no credit card or anything.
The next scenario, several years later, my mom and I drive back to TN and I had told her I was coming to see her, she sounded excited, we got to my nephews house after driving 12 to 13 hours with no stopping over and I drove the whole way cause my mom won't drive on the highway, I call her up to tell her I'm here and so she had said when I got there she would come pick me up cause he only lived about 8 miles from her. She says "can you just wait a little while, I'm right in the middle of this t.v.show", like I'm not that much important, then she gets there, we take off and about 5 miles down the road I realize that I totally forgot to get my stuff outta the trunk of my mom's car, so I say "oh man, I forgot all my stuff with my makeup/clothes/toothbrush" and she says "well guess you'll be wearing that tomorrow" (she was going to be taking me to my aunts house on her way to work so I wouldn't be able to get my stuff), naturally I thought to myself "okay she's joking around with me" until she just kept driving and I realized she was NOT joking, we got there and I said "anita, I don't even have my toothbrush and I've been wearing these same clothes all day and night driving" she says "well you can just use John's toothbrush"!
While I'm there, we started talking about old times and she said you know what you look like right now, like you did in the 11th grade annual (my hair was completely chopped off which made my face look like miss piggy) she knew that that was a horrible time for me, I said "gee thanks!" and then I told her "I've come this far to see you 3 times already, now its your turn to come see me on your next vacation, she said "but I wanna go to the beach"!!
The last thing I am hurt about is right before ba and lip graft surgery, like about a week, I was very excited and scared at the same time, she calls me and begins to say "I hope you don't regret it" and then says "well I guess I was just blessed in the area of bigger lips, boobs,nice hair so I don't have to go do these things". Alrighty then!!!
Then afterwards she saw my pic because she wanted to see results, I sent them to her thinking just maybe she might be nice, she says to me "to be honest, I immediately thought porn boobs", well knowing me as well as she does, KNEW that that remark would upset me and be a put-down, which at first it was simply because of the WAY she said it. I didn't feel very supported or cared about.
Thats it....
