Need your opinion please

Oh I just don't know what to do.  I confronted my BF about the joint, he swears it is a cigarette - could be - I am just really paranoid about the drug use.  He doesn't lie to me, so I guess I should believe him, he didn't look stoned when he came home from Chris' place.  I don't know why I have such a problem with marijuana use - I know that lots of respectable people do it, it's just something I can't stand.  Anyhow, he promised that he was done with it for good, would never risk losing me over pot (I have told him I would leave him if he did it again - that's how against it I am!) so I guess it was just my paranoia again because the video looked so stupid to me.

I know I shouldn't get uspet over things that I assume and have no proof of - just gets me all worked up and does me no good.

I don't know if I should stay with Andrew or not.  He does love me, he is non-violent, we are just so different.  He isn't a drinker or a partier, most of my other relationships were with guys who drank and partied a lot.  He isn't ever abusive - unless you count the silent treatment - but that's minor compared with what I've dealt with in the past.

I was single for quite a while and I really got depresed, thinking I will be alone for the rest of my life.  I'm not good all alone because I work from home, never go out and can actually become agoraphobic if I stay in for months without leaving my house - then I get fearful of leaving and don't even want to go to the store.  This happened before.  It's part of the anxiety disorder, if I don't ever go out it becomes harder and harder to do after a while.

Yes, I have my son - but for how long?  He's 15 now, what if he goes to Vncouver for medical school and then I'm completely alone and isolated for ever?  I had some girlfriends here, not many but there were 3 ladies I used to hang out with sometimes, one has gone so much into drinking and drugs that I can't associate with her any more, the other moved way out of town and only comes into the city once a year or so, and the other married some jerk who is a control freak and is abusive and won't let her see me because I tried to help her by getting her into abuse counseling at the Women's Transition House and he found out about it, so he has forbidden her from even talking to me.  So I am completely and utterly alone if I am single again.  This scares me.

When I was single I joined up lots of the internet dating sites.  I wrote before of my dismal success there.  Two years I tried, and the second year I wasn't even really trying - I was very selctive about who I would even write to, just didn't find anyone who was what I was looking for.

I've known Andrew for over 8 years.  Met him through my ex - who he was also abused by - and whom he hates - that's how we became really good friends, he helped me through the rough time when my ex was really abusive.  He was with someone else, so for years we were just friends.  Then I didn't see him for a while, my son saw him on TV - he does some acting and was in an episode of Creepy Canada.  My son contacted him and he came over, we startd hanging out and ended up together.

I know we have practically nothing in common.  Except for the fact that both of us have been abused.    Even our appearance and cultures couldn't be more opposite - I'm fair and blonde, Finnish descent, he's very very dark and of Jamaican descent.  I'm used to spoiling myself and going to nice places and living in beautiful homes which I decorate with a lot of care and attention to detail, he's used to being dirt poor, living in basement suites with Salvation Army furniture.  I own a nice car, enough furniture to fill a 4000 square foot home and 3 large closets full of clothing, he owns only a computer and enough clothes to fill one suitcase.  One thing we do have in common is we both like to travel.  I have taken him to Vegas, super luxury all the way, dinner at Joel Robuchon, which cost me over $1000.00, VIP section at Pure Nightclub which cost me $700.00 just for cover to get in the VIP section - everything first class.  I took him to Playa del Carmen, stayed at the Royal Hideaway, which is the most exclusive and luxurious resort in the area, cost me nearly $10,000 when all was paid for there.  Took him to Vancouver a couple of times, fine dining and luxury shopping.  I got some sort of excitement from showing a person who had never stayed in anything better than a Travelodge and never dined in an expensive restaurant the "glamorous life".  Oh how I wish it had been a MAN paying for and arranging all of these delights - I guess I would make a good man.  I also enjoyed the experience myself.  Quite a change from sitting home day in and day out, working 10 hours a day 6 days a week. I often wish I worked outside the home, I would not be so isolated then, but this is the life I have, and it means total isolation from people. 

SO - I don't know what to do.  I looked at my old e-harmony profile, saw that there were a bunch of guys who had written to me over the past year that I haven't checked it, looked at all their profiles, not one that I was even remotely interested in.  If I had to make one person out of all the replies he would be like this - 5'7" tall, receding hairline, overweight, in to camping, sports and living a simple life, not into material things and wanting to relax at home with a "good woman" who loves to cook and is into a lot of sex.  Ummm, this is the opposite of what I am and what I want.  These guys are just a bunch of short, fat, lonely old men who. want to be with an attractive woman to help them through their mid-life crisis. 

If I had a network of girlfriends I wouldn't mind being single.  I love watching Sex in the City - Carrie has such a fun life - but me alone is me ALONE with nothing but online friends and no one to ever talk to in person.  Except for my son, but I can't rely on him for everything.  He will most likely go to school in Vancouver or even in Finland in 3 years.

I am so embarrassed to tell you about my life.  I really sound like a pathetic loser.  This anxiety disorder is crippling too - makes it even harder to go out and mingle with a bunch of strangers all alone.

Anyhow, I'm coloring my hair - the roots are a shade darker than the rest of my hair - at first I was afraid to do it because of my extensions, but when I had it done in the salon she got color all over the bonds and nothing happened to them, so I decided to save $150 and do it myself.  Hope it turns out.  Just have to rinse and condition now.

Talk to you soon,

Ana

.   ..

Thanks Kimmie.

I should clarify, I really do believe he didn't smoke pot.  You know how you get kind of paranoid about your hubby and other women?  I'm the same with drugs.  I just get paranoid with nothing to back up my paranoia.  See, my BF was NEVER a drug user, he would just smoke pot about 3 - 4 times a year with his friend Chris.  He never bought it, never did other drugs at all, except when his ex gf would buy pot, and she gave him E once, she was the one into it and not him - I know this for a fact because I used to hang out with her sometimes and she actually wished Andrew would be more into smoking it with her.  So if I gave the impression that he was a former druggie I'm sorry, that's really not true.

I guess I really do sound like I am having continual misery, I'm not, I'm just still in a depressive funk and everything seems worse than it is.  Little things get me going and I make a big deal out of them.

 My boyfreind isn't perfect, isn't even close to it, today when my son said he was going to the Andy Warhol exhibit my BF asked "Who's Andy Warhol?" and that upset me - that he didn't know who AW was - so I said he needs to study up on art, he said he doesn't really care about art or artists, this got me uspet - then I realized - I AM GETTING UPSET BECAUSE HE ISN'T LIKE ME!!!  I can either let myself get all worked up over silly little things, like thiking my BF is ignorant and wanting to stay ignorant so that makes him a lesser person than me and my son, or I can let it go and realize that it really doesn't matter.

I am so flawed it isn't funny, yet I expect others to be near perfect all the time.  I hate camping - tent camping - I really can't stand it - but I know people who love it.  They don't put me down because I hate it, yet I put them down if they aren't into art.  Makes me kind of a hypocrite I guess.

So I won't complain any more.  Sorry.  I guess I've been quite a whiner lately. 

I don't think I'm at a point where I could be a great partner to a great man right now.  Still many things I have to work on, like tolerance.  I'd hate to meet a guy who was perfect for me and then blow him off by getting all bent out of shape if he said or did something I didn't agree with. Also need to get my bottoming out fixed first.  These scarred up crooked falling off breasts look really bad without a bra on.  I need to work on tolerance and acceptance of myself as well as others. 

If and when I can conquer this judgmental attitude I have then I will be ready to meet someone else.  Right now I'm still not able to accept unattractive men, they may be succesful, wealthy, kind and intelligent, but if they aren't good looking I can't accept them.  I try and change them.  In fact, I try and change every man to make him "right" when he is probably just fine, it is just that I have too great expectations and my standards of what is acceptable are too narrow. 

Case in point "old millionaire".  He would have moved heaven and earth for me and my son, but because he was old and unattractive I couldn't even consider a romantic relationshipe with him.  So I blew him off. 

When I get over this problem I will check out match.com.  I will probably loot at it later today, but just to see what's there.

 Sorry for sounding like I'm miserable because of my boyfriend, I'm miserable because of ME.

By the way - my hair turned out perfect - way better than when the salon does it!  They always make it too light and too gold so it looks fake - I have a perfect color I use that gives me a delicate natural looking light blonde - exactly like my color was when I was around 10 years old.  No damage at all to the bonds.  So that's a good thing! 

Wishing you a wonderful weekend - and thanking you for the prayers.  Prayers are always good.  I can use all I can get!

XOXO Ana

Sara, I am SO SORRY for acting like such a nutcase.  I went and took a shower, and I feel just awful about how I spouted off.  I'm just very sensitive about things, and I react without thinking things through.  You see, my self esteem isn't that good.  I started thinking about "why would anyone want a girl who would lower her standards just to have a boyfriend" and I didn't like the person that I am.  So I blasted a crazy reply out, which really was uncalled for.  When I think of the person I am I'm not thrilled.  I have no interests that most people have, I don't play any sports - not even tennis - I just suck at all sports.  Always have.  I still remember my mom telling me to learn to play tennis to attract a better class of people.  I took lessons, I tried, I just sucked at it.  I have no hand-eye co-ordination at all - but hey,I can walk for miles in 5" heels LOL!  I lower my standards because I don't feel I have much to offer a "normal" man.  Because of my inability to play sports, my lack of interest in all sports, my lack of knowledge in all sports - I'm kind of a dud.  Here in my town everyone is sports obsessed.  I'm from Vancouver.  Before I came here I worked for a modeling and talent agency.  I did some modeling but my main job was "pre-screening agent".  I would screen people who came into the agency and decide whether they went right on in to see the agent or if they needed courses.  I sold a lot of courses and was very good at my job.  Then I got pregnant with my son.  I had to quit, they had an "image" to uphold and couldn't have anyone who was showing working there. I was going to go back after my son was a year old but then my parents asked me to come to Victoria and help with their failing carppet cleaning business.  I helped out and got the business running well - increased sales by 400% - than my dad decided he didn't like the business any more, had a tantrum and cut off the phone lines.  I asked him if I could take it over, hated to see a business just die like that, so I paid him for all the equipment (had to take out a loan) and paid to get the phones hooked back up and took over the advertising bills.  This was 14 years ago.  Since then I've been running a carpet cleaning company.  Very different from working in a modeling agency in downtown Vancouver amidst the hustle and bustle and "beautiful people".  I haven't worked outside my home ever in Victoria.  Hence I never met people here.  I only deal with clients on the phone, never see anyone.  I think this is one of the reasons I am down.  I really miss the city and the excitement and the glamour and...everything.  I can't give this up though, it brings in a good income and I need a really good income to be able to put my son through school.  He's in Christian private school now, costs nearly $12,000.00 per year, then he is going to University and Medical School.  It will cost me around $200,000.00 to put him through his schooling - at today's rates.  Quitting this and moving back to the city and taking a position that pays around $36,000.00 per year is just not going to cut it.  Housing alone in Vancouver is as expensive as in Manhatten.  15 years ago I was paying $1000.00 per month for an apartment.  Now a modest home in the city rents for $4000.00 at least.  I already pay $3000.00 per month (plus all utilities) for my house in Victoria, to rent a house of the same quality in a good neighborhood in Vancouver would cost $6000.00 per month.  To buy a home here in Victoria is over $800,000.00 - to buy in Vancouver in the good areas is way over a million.

So - what ws the point of all this?  Just that I'm a real city gal stuck in a super-casual, sporty small town.  When I go shopping people think I work in the stores - no one dresses up here at all unless they're going to a wedding.  Going out for "fine dining" here in Victoria you will see people in jeans and T-shirts more than suits and dresses.  This place is the ultimate in "laid back" living.  So, I don't fit in.  Gentlemen here want a woman who likes the casual life.  Most professionals seem to be married.  I spoke with a representative from the matchmaking company "Hearts" and she told me I had as much chance finding a suitable man here as finding a needle in a haystack.  She said if I was in Vanvouver she could have me on a date a week that would be perfect for me - here in Victoria she had NOT ONE person who she really thought would be compatile with me.

So I settle.  Maybe it is stupid.  Maybe I should just be alone.  I am concerned about my agoraphobia coming back if I'm alone though - and I can't go through the ritual of dating guys from the internet services like I did for 2 years.  It's not good for my son to see mom going out on different dates all the time and never seeing the person again after a couple of dates.  Leaves him home alone and lonely - and sad.  Left me very sad.  Made my self esteem much worse, not better.  I really started thinking - after giving it a 2 year try - that there is something wrong with me.

 Anyhow, I'm just babbling again, going to go eat something, it's 2:45 and I haven't eaten yet.

Wishing you and everyone a beautiful weekend.

Ana